What I’ve Learned About Adoption – 6 Years Later 

The Power of Truth, Community, and Growth

Six years ago we adopted our daughter, Liza, as an infant. We thought we understood adoption. The intricacies involved. Grief and love co-existing.

But we didn’t. Not really.

The Early Years of Blissful Ignorance

When Liza was little, it felt simple. We were open about her adoption and honest about her story. She was too young to understand, and we were living in that sweet, naive space of early parenthood. Sure, we knew harder conversations would come someday, but that felt far away.

The First Hard Moments

Then came the moment that shook my confidence. Liza, barely four, looked up at me with fierce eyes: “You’re not my real mom.” The words I’d been warned about, but somehow thought wouldn’t come for years. Standing there, staring at my preschooler, I realized how unprepared I truly was.

Those comments evolved and intensified: “You’re the worst mom ever. I’m going to live with my birth mom.” All I could do was stay calm and patient, telling her I knew it was complicated and that I couldn’t pretend to understand exactly how she felt.

When Simple Answers Stopped Working

Liza is smart. Incredibly smart. And her questions became deeper, more probing. By six, my gentle explanations about her birth mom weren’t enough anymore. Her story had difficult parts, and I struggled with how much to share. I never wanted to say anything negative about her birth mom, who had made such a brave, selfless choice in placing Liza for adoption.

For months, we went round and round with the same simple story: that her birth mom couldn’t take care of her and loved her so much that she chose us to be her parents. But I could see in Liza’s eyes – it wasn’t enough anymore.

The Conversation that Changed Everything

Then I met April, the host of ADOPTION NOW. During what was supposed to be a podcast pre-interview, I found myself asking for advice. Her response transformed our entire approach:

“The moment I was honest with my children about their stories, even the really hard parts, changed everything. I saw them totally open up, like they found a missing piece. You have to let them process their emotions. You have to let them feel those things.”

In six years, this was the first honest, realistic advice I’d received. Everyone else – people who had never adopted – just told me to gloss over the hard parts.

Embracing the Hard Truths

That evening, when Liza asked again about her birth mom, I took a deep breath and offered her something new: “Do you want to have a grown-up conversation? Do you want me to tell you the truth?”

The conversation that followed was one of the hardest and most important we’ve ever had. Sitting in my bedroom, I shared everything I knew, as gently as I could. Tears streamed down her face, but I also saw something new – an openness I’d never seen before. She held my hands tight and asked me to keep going, to tell her more.

She was angry – even asked for a picture of her birth mom to rip up. It broke my heart, but I remembered April’s words and let her feel those emotions, let her process them in her own way.

“Mom,” she said afterward, “I have a lot more questions. Can we keep talking?”

The Gift of Community

Through all of this, April became more than just a podcast host – she became a friend and mentor. Having someone who’s walked this path, who’s raised four adopted children through all the joys and challenges, has been invaluable. Finally, I felt seen and understood.

This connection extended to Liza too. When April’s children sent her a video message, and I told her they were adopted too, her whole face lit up. For the first time, she wasn’t alone in her story.

What I Know Now

If I could share anything with other adoptive parents, it would be this:

• Find your community of other adoptive parents – they understand in ways others can’t
• Consider post-placement coaching (even years later, like I did)
• Take a deep breath, and be gentle with yourself. You’re doing better than you think.
• Connect your kids with other adopted children – they need their own community too

Adoption is amazing and challenging. It has transformed our lives in the most beautiful way, but it’s also taught me that we all need support. I need people to lean on, and Liza needs to know she’s not alone on this journey.

The moment we started being completely honest – with ourselves and with Liza – everything changed. And the moment we found our community, we finally felt at home.