From One Birth Mother to Another: Wisdom from the Other Side

A letter of hope and guidance from a birth mother, sixteen years after placement

If you’re reading this, you’re probably in one of the hardest seasons of your life. I know, because I’ve been there. Sixteen years ago, I was a 21-year-old single mom with two babies in diapers, trying to get off welfare, living in a rented room, and facing an unexpected pregnancy. Today, I want to share some things I wish someone had told me then.

Your Worth Isn’t Measured by Others’ Judgements

I remember being in the grocery store, pregnant, with my two little boys in the cart. A stranger looked at me and said, “You poor thing.” I nearly broke down crying because she had no idea how right she was. But here’s what I know now: those moments of judgment don’t define you. Your story is so much bigger than what others see in a snapshot of your life.

Trust Your Instincts

When I chose adoption, many people had opinions. My pastor thought I should parent. My aunt offered to adopt the baby. My father, who was adopted himself, struggled with the idea. But deep down, I knew what I needed to do. If you feel a certain path is right for you, trust that feeling. You know your situation better than anyone else.

Your Reasons Are Valid

I wasn’t choosing adoption because I couldn’t parent. I was already parenting two children. I was choosing it because I wanted to give my baby opportunities I couldn’t provide at that time, and I needed to create a stable future for all my children. Whatever your reasons are, they are valid. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.

It’s Okay to Set Your Own Terms

When choosing an adoptive family, I wanted ongoing contact. I wanted my child to know her story. I wanted a genuine connection with the family. These were my terms, and I’m so glad I stood by them. You have the right to envision what you want this journey to look like.

The Grief is Real – And So is Hope

I won’t sugarcoat it: after placement, I spent many nights crying in my bed. The grief was real and deep. But I want you to know something that someone once told me that I didn’t believe at the time: being a birth mother won’t always feel this heavy. When my aunt told me that in ten years I might be married with another child, I couldn’t see it. But that’s exactly what happened.

You Don’t Have to Have It All Figured Out

At the time of my placement, I was in the middle of a pharmacy tech program. I had to pause my externship. I didn’t know exactly how things would work out. I just knew I had to keep moving forward. It’s okay not to have all the answers right now.

Your Child’s Story Isn’t Over – And Neither is Yours

Sixteen years later, as a birth mother, I have a beautiful relationship with my placed daughter and her family. I’m married, have another daughter, and have built the stable life I dreamed of back then. Your story doesn’t end at placement. It’s just one chapter in a much longer book.

Some Practical Advice for Birth Mothers:

• Take pictures if you want them
• Write down your feelings and memories
• Accept help when it’s offered
• Don’t feel pressured to make decisions quickly
• Trust your gut when choosing a family
• Take care of yourself physically and emotionally

When It Gets Dark

There will be moments when you question everything. When you’re overwhelmed with grief. When you can’t see how life will ever feel normal again. In those moments, remember this: you don’t have to stay in that dark place forever. I know it’s hard to believe when someone tells you this while you’re in that space— I didn’t believe it either. But I had to keep going because I had two little boys who needed me. Whatever your reason is, hold onto it.

Looking Forward

Life has a way of surprising us. The stability I wanted to give my placed daughter? I eventually created that for myself too. The education I was pursuing? I finished it. The happy family life I dreamed of? I found it. I’m not sharing this to minimize your current pain, but to tell you that your current circumstances don’t define your future.

Final Thoughts

You are stronger than you know. You are making thoughtful, loving decisions in difficult circumstances. You are not “giving up” anything. You are making a plan for your child’s life while also honoring your own.

With understanding and hope,

A birth mom who has been there

P.S. Whatever you decide, be gentle with yourself. You deserve that kindness.

About the Author

Jessica Ramos, 37, is an accomplished Account Manager in Medical Pharmacy and a dedicated birth mother to Madeline. In addition to her professional success, she is a loving mother to three children – Jaiden (19), Riley (17), and Aurora (9). Drawing from her personal experience, Jessica advocates for birth mothers by sharing her own adoption journey to support others on similar paths.

Finding Your Community

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Connect with other birth mothers who understand what you’re experiencing:

• Big Tough Girl
• Birth Mother Retreats – Experience healing and connection through retreats designed specifically for birth moms

Remember, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. These communities are here to walk alongside you, whenever you’re ready to reach out.